You may think you know who shot me with a Super Soaker, but you might be surprised. After a week of voting, the results are in on the most ridiculous whodunit of the year! These are folks who I’ve written about this year and years past. One shocking “suspect” received NO votes. None. This is all in the spirit of fun and is not meant to offend anyone. Continue reading
*editors note: This is fan fiction, and is in no way meant to depict any of the “suspects” as dangerous violent criminals that go lurking around WaWa on New Years Eve looking to plug a blogger. If any of these people have that in their past I have no knowledge whatsoever of that and I DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW! When I tell people about my blog, the one consistent thing I hear is “You’re gonna get shot!” So I thought I would make a joke of that.
To read the first part about the murder of Jon’s Loving Father/Kevin Ohlandt/The Exceptional Delaware Blogger go here: https://exceptionaldelaware.wordpress.com/2014/12/29/who-shot-jons-loving-father-a-2014-year-in-review/
The reporter went back to the police station a few days later and he overheard the Investigating Officer talking to the Chief about the murder of the blogger at a WaWa in Dover on December 31st, 2014.
Chief: So what did you find out? Do we have suspects?
Investigating Officer: Oh boy do we! At first I had over 50 suspects, but I was able to narrow it down to 32. These people were all in Dover that night. Even the anonymous commenters from Kilroy’s Delaware. I also found something very interesting from the deceased himself.
Chief: What the hell are you talking about Officer Scooby?
Investigating Officer: The blogger knew this was going to happen cause he was receiving death threats. He was the one who provided the list of 32. These are all people who had motive and a desire to see the deceased not writing anymore. I was able to get into his blog when I looked at his last will and testament. He gave the password to someone who was instructed to give it to the police in the event of his murder. As well, he gave another person the identities of the anonymous.
Chief: This is getting more bizarre than that IDEA Awards show the Delaware Charter Schools Network puts on every year. Which, by the way, is an insult to the actual IDEA law cause of the whole charter school enrollment preference thing.
Investigating Officer: Tell me about it! Anyways, Ohlandt knew it would be one of the thirty-two, but he didn’t know which one. He made a bracket, like the kind we have in that March Madness pool we have every year.
Chief: Don’t talk about that Officer Big Mouth. That’s supposed to be a closely guarded secret, kind of like the methodology the DOE used for determining the priority schools up in Wilmington. Do you have this bracket?
Investigating Officer: Yeah, and this is the weirdest part. Ohlandt said his readers would be able to figure out the murder. He gave brief descriptions of the suspects. The readers would need to vote in rounds to figure it out. Starting off with 16 rounds, then 8, then 4, and then the final 2. After that, we have our guy or woman. Ohlandt doesn’t want the person getting the death penalty. He wants life in prison with no chance of parole. Also, the murderer will have to take the Smarter Balanced Assessment AND that PARCC test every day until they get a perfect score.
Chief: Is there such thing as a perfect score on those tests? The last I heard the idiots who made them don’t even know how to score the damn things. But hey, if this guy could piss off all those people, he must have been doing something right. We owe it to him to play this out his way. Let’s do it!
Instead of the usual top 10 lists and all that, I thought I would do something a little different. The following was found in a police report from January 1st, 2015.
Victim: Kevin Ohlandt
Time of Death: 11:59pm, December 31st, 2014
Method of Death: gun shot to the heart
Suspects: Really? He was a blogger. It could be anyone in the state! See attached.
Witnesses: Three WaWa workers, a woman (wouldn’t give name), two DelDot workers, and another policeman.
Evidence found at scene: A laptop, a box of Entenmann’s Chocolate Chip Cookies, no fingerprints other than his on the car, a note that said “Bloggers Suck!”, and a gun with the serial number scraped off.
The following, transcribed by a reporter (anonymous, didn’t work for the News Journal because he reports with unbiased facts) who happened to be at the police station when the Chief of Police got the report.
Chief: What the hell kind of report is this? “He was a blogger. It could be anyone in the state! See attached.” I don’t see any attached documents. What is this, a charter school board meeting minutes posting on the internet?
Investigating Officer: Sorry Chief, but this guy had a lot of enemies. It would be like finding an honest chief officer at the Delaware DOE!
Chief: So we just close the case Officer Numbnuts? This isn’t a goddamn FOIA request to Jack Markell’s office where we just keep it open-ended. Do I need to assign this to someone who can actually do the job?
Investigating Officer: I kind of wish you would. Have you read this blog? He’s one pissed off parent, always railing at the DOE, and Markell, and all those charter schools. Like I said, he’s made a lot of people pissed at him.
Chief: Like who?
Investigating Officer: From the Governor down to some youth group leader at some bird church.
Chief: Did he hate this Common Core crap my grandson struggles with all the time?
Investigating Officer: He opted his kid out of the Smarter Balanced thing in the newspaper last October. He talked about how stupid it was all the time.
Chief: Alright, read the blog, and get back to me tomorrow morning with a reasonable amount of suspects.
Investigating Officer: Uh, Chief, this guy kind of rambled on at times. Some of his articles take hours to read, like he was writing a frigging book or something. And then there’s the links to other stuff, and Oh My God, when he discovered Scribd it was insane.
Chief: I don’t care. This guy is a hero in my book, taking a stand against those stupid ed reformers at the DOE. As long as it’s local, it should be easy to contain.
Investigating Officer: Chief, most of the people he pissed off live in Wilmington. He was really against those Preference Schools.
Chief: They’re Priority Schools. We talked about this Officer Dumbass! Preference Schools are charter schools with their wacky application requirements. Just give me the stupid list, I’ll give you three days.
Investigating Officer: But what about the Kilroys thing?
Chief: The Kilroys thing? Wasn’t that a Styx album from 1983?
Investigating Officer: No, that’s where he got his start. That’s another blog. Some guy up in the Red Clay school district who is always ranting about school boards recording their meetings. Anyway, Ohlandt wrote some insane 14 part series about his kid’s time at a charter school. He changed all the names of the teachers and the people at the school. He even called himself Jon’s Loving Father. And these were some long-ass articles Chief. But he comments on Kilroys all the time, and he pissed people off there all the time too. And don’t get me started on all the board meetings he went to at the DOE. But back to Kilroys, some of those people on there are anonymous. Some Publius guy pisses everyone off.
Chief: Does anyone know who this Publius guy is?
Investigating Officer: Ohlandt did. I think that wicked smart Christina board member who writes his own blog does. I’m sure Kilroy does.
Chief: Okay blog reading boy, do you know who Publius is?
Investigating Officer: I don’t know. I don’t think it matters who Publius is. He’s like the Darth Vader of the charter school movement in the state.
Chief: I thought that Kendall lady was the big mover and shaker for that. I always had to tear up parking tickets for her. She had big connections in the Governor’s office.
Investigating Officer: She’s high up on the list of suspects Boss. Along with Markell, that Rodeo guy, Paul Herdman…
Chief: For the last time, it’s Rodel! A rodeo is exciting and fun. Rodel is just kind of…there.
Investigating Officer: Whatever you say Chief.
Chief: Don’t get smart with me Officer Ass Clown. Just get me a list.
To Be Continued….