Who Shot Jon’s Loving Father? A 2014 Year In Review!

Instead of the usual top 10 lists and all that, I thought I would do something a little different.  The following was found in a police report from January 1st, 2015.

Victim: Kevin Ohlandt

Time of Death: 11:59pm, December 31st, 2014

Method of Death: gun shot to the heart

Suspects: Really?  He was a blogger.  It could be anyone in the state!  See attached.

Witnesses: Three WaWa workers, a woman (wouldn’t give name), two DelDot workers, and another policeman.

Evidence found at scene: A laptop, a box of Entenmann’s Chocolate Chip Cookies, no fingerprints other than his on the car, a note that said “Bloggers Suck!”, and a gun with the serial number scraped off.

The following, transcribed by a reporter (anonymous, didn’t work for the News Journal because he reports with unbiased facts) who happened to be at the police station when the Chief of Police got the report.

Chief: What the hell kind of report is this? “He was a blogger.  It could be anyone in the state!  See attached.”  I don’t see any attached documents.  What is this, a charter school board meeting minutes posting on the internet?

Investigating Officer: Sorry Chief, but this guy had a lot of enemies.  It would be like finding an honest chief officer at the Delaware DOE!

Chief: So we just close the case Officer Numbnuts? This isn’t a goddamn FOIA request to Jack Markell’s office where we just keep it open-ended. Do I need to assign this to someone who can actually do the job?

Investigating Officer: I kind of wish you would. Have you read this blog? He’s one pissed off parent, always railing at the DOE, and Markell, and all those charter schools. Like I said, he’s made a lot of people pissed at him.

Chief: Like who?

Investigating Officer: From the Governor down to some youth group leader at some bird church.

Chief: Did he hate this Common Core crap my grandson struggles with all the time?

Investigating Officer: He opted his kid out of the Smarter Balanced thing in the newspaper last October. He talked about how stupid it was all the time.

Chief: Alright, read the blog, and get back to me tomorrow morning with a reasonable amount of suspects.

Investigating Officer: Uh, Chief, this guy kind of rambled on at times. Some of his articles take hours to read, like he was writing a frigging book or something. And then there’s the links to other stuff, and Oh My God, when he discovered Scribd it was insane. 

Chief: I don’t care. This guy is a hero in my book, taking a stand against those stupid ed reformers at the DOE. As long as it’s local, it should be easy to contain.

Investigating Officer: Chief, most of the people he pissed off live in Wilmington.  He was really against those Preference Schools.

Chief: They’re Priority Schools. We talked about this Officer Dumbass! Preference Schools are charter schools with their wacky application requirements.  Just give me the stupid list, I’ll give you three days.

Investigating Officer: But what about the Kilroys thing?

Chief: The Kilroys thing? Wasn’t that a Styx album from 1983?

Investigating Officer: No, that’s where he got his start.  That’s another blog. Some guy up in the Red Clay school district who is always ranting about school boards recording their meetings.  Anyway, Ohlandt wrote some insane 14 part series about his kid’s time at a charter school. He changed all the names of the teachers and the people at the school.  He even called himself Jon’s Loving Father.  And these were some long-ass articles Chief.  But he comments on Kilroys all the time, and he pissed people off there all the time too. And don’t get me started on all the board meetings he went to at the DOE. But back to Kilroys, some of those people on there are anonymous. Some Publius guy pisses everyone off.

Chief: Does anyone know who this Publius guy is?

Investigating Officer: Ohlandt did. I think that wicked smart Christina board member who writes his own blog does. I’m sure Kilroy does. 

Chief: Okay blog reading boy, do you know who Publius is?

Investigating Officer: I don’t know. I don’t think it matters who Publius is. He’s like the Darth Vader of the charter school movement in the state.

Chief: I thought that Kendall lady was the big mover and shaker for that. I always had to tear up parking tickets for her. She had big connections in the Governor’s office.

Investigating Officer: She’s high up on the list of suspects Boss. Along with Markell, that Rodeo guy, Paul Herdman…

Chief: For the last time, it’s Rodel! A rodeo is exciting and fun. Rodel is just kind of…there.

Investigating Officer: Whatever you say Chief.

Chief: Don’t get smart with me Officer Ass Clown. Just get me a list.

To Be Continued….

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.